Nature (Human and Otherwise) in Afghanistan VOL II

Captain Graham Kallos
16 June 2009

 

This is the second in what is a weekly series, by Captain Graham (Barf) Kallos on the unique and somewhat strange creatures that we have encountered while in Afghanistan.

 

One of the rarest and most sought-after organic materials in the world has been held in such high regard as to be graced by naught but the wealthiest of Royals and the most powerful of Religious Leaders throughout time immemorial. Recently unearthed scrolls formed of hammered white gold and bound with strips of tanned human flesh reveal a detailed account of priests toiling for no less than twenty years so that they could both harvest and create a single negligee for none-other than Queen Cleopatra. Ancient Sumerian scholars held that every crop of this material had to be lovingly watered by the tears of blind albino virgins and could only be harvested a under a solar-eclipse. Yet in today’s modern world, scientists are only now beginning to understand the remarkable properties of this rarest of materials. The wispy tendrils of Gingerous Moustacherius, or more commonly, ‘Ginger Moustache’, are becoming the object of a rapidly heating debate over the use of this extremely rare material. Representatives from the medical community, various religious sects and even animal-rights activists are bringing their views to the forefront of this increasingly controversial dialogue.

 

German Bio-Engineer Claus Von Panzer has been working for the last ten years on producing a synthetic version of the Ginger Moustache hair, which, when perfected will yield a fibre ten-times the relative strength of spider silk. Everything from medical sutures to an ultra-lightweight textile for bulletproof vests is expected to be crafted form this wonder-material. Chilean-born Doctor Manual Gato has claimed that he has successfully re-attached the severed wing from a fly after using a radical form of surgery involving molecular glue created of cells extracted from Ginger Moustache follicles.

 

Animal rights proponents have been bringing to light the oft-cruel ways that Gingers have been domesticated in order to maximize Ginger Hair yields. In ancient times the Ginger was taken from the nest before the egg hatched and was then weaned on a mixture of honey, garlic and oatmeal, all the while chained in windowless mud-huts. Today, the vast majority of Moustache-bearing Gingers are raised from hatchling to adult in small cages and are denied exposure to any form of Ultra-Violet light. They are fed a mixture of hair-growth stimulants and mechanically separated chicken matter. Despite the advances in modern technology, the world net-yield of Ginger Moustache hair rarely exceeds twenty Kilograms and it is widely held that the mass-produced follicles are of an inferior quality to those sourced from Gingers found in their natural habitats. More moderate environmental activists are touting the burgeoning organic Ginger-Farms where hatchling Gingers are raised in naturally occurring caves, where they can fish for the colourless fish and bats that form their natural diet. Studies have shown that in allowing natural movement and the perception of freedom, a healthier and more robust shock of down on the upper lip of the male Ginger can be harvested, when compared to that of the mass-produced variety.

 

From Egyptian negligees to molecular glue, the flexibility and value of the Ginger Moustache cannot be denied. Through the use of progressive harvesting techniques and by maintaining an open dialogue about the moral implications of using this limited and ancient resource, Ginger Moustache research will continue to yield gains in the fields of Science and Technology.