Nature (Human and Otherwise) in Afghanistan; Vol 5

Captain Graham Kallos
22 Jul 2009

Nearing the end of the month, the FMG SDO (being the only DO, the DO promoted himself to Senior DO) has had occasion to experience several ‘once in a lifetime’ experiences throughout July, some of which are chronicled below.

FMG SDO furtively attempts to steal some sunshine by scuttling from his desk to ‘The Outside’, only to witness a 500m tall wall of sand envelop the FOB. The ensuing mud and hail that pelted him following an ear-splitting thunderstorm helped reinforce SDO’s theory that even the Gods are conspiring to keep him in the CP.

After declaring a Stage-2 Emergency, the SDO sprints to the closest Port-A-Potty. A week later, he contemplates the consequences of not checking the temperature of the black plastic toilet seat that had been baking in the mid-afternoon 52-degree heat. While applying a generous coating of POLYSPORIN to his second-degree burns, SDO further realizes that the sound of seared flesh being peeled from plastic after molecular bonding is not one that he would care to hear again.

A stench more foul than what could be expected of a dead Zombie found in a hot pile of compost on a humid afternoon in a fish market, cleared the CP. Following an extensive forensic investigation, the SDO determined that the source of the bile-inducing odour was, in fact, the result of SPAZ the CP cat running a full ‘Crop-Dust’ through the confines of the CP. Further investigating revealed that SPAZ had been fed a steady diet of expired sardines and a form of gelatinous mechanically separated chicken-spread by SSM Richard Stacey. After a second ‘Dusting’, the SDO learns the hard way that putting hand- sanitizing gel up his nostrils in an attempt to cleanse his sinuses is not a good idea. Not a good idea at all. EVER

As any person whose very existence is reliant upon the perfect functionality of a printer can attest to, in a moment of dire need, a printer will, invariably, fail. Not too long ago the SDO was in a rush to print an important document for the OC. The printer failed. Upon determining that the cause of the printer failing was due to an empty toner cartridge, the SDO sprang into action. Deciding to forgo such a time-consuming activity as ‘reading the instructions’, the SDO failed to see the large bold letters stating that he should exercise caution when changing the toner cartridge. The SDO’s tan uniform and boots provided an excellent contrasting background for the cyan-coloured moon dust that exploded all over him. The SQ’s computer, table and pile of notes provided an alternate media for the billowing purple cloud to settle on. The naked plywood floor in the vicinity of the printer actually absorbed a large quantity of the toner-dust and to this day retains a distinct cyan-tinged hue. The SDO summarily concluded that the colour cyan is a big-fat-jerk. The OC summarily concludes that the colour cyan is, in fact, quite hilarious.

The SDO realizes that if humans are, in fact, the sum of all of their experiences, then he is destined to become either the World’s Most Interesting Man, or Clinically Insane.